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MOONEYS HOMEPAGE
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Feats of Danger
In this age of fitness obsession, I am proud to bring you a list of the city's top five golden goals for budding athletes. Okay even if beijing won the race to host the 2008 olympics,and evenif our human rights record is worse than theirs(cos of the refugees and southsiders)we can still get the 2012 OLympic games. Should you decide to get it together then here's what to do:
DANGER LEVEL 1
King of the Fountain
The task at hand is not as simple as fearlessly clawing your way to the crow's nest of Cork's infamous early morning social centre. A
demanding breaststroke (just the one) through the ice cold water, muck and puke cocktail is required to get from the path to the centre of
the fountain. Most only get this far. Other, more energetic soldiers battle with gravity to reach their goal, raising their arms above their
heads in triumph when they reach the summit. Getting to the top always brings much appreciation from the large crowd below. Upon
descending, athletes are quickly ushered into waiting Garda vehicles to prevent injury from adoring fans.
DANGER LEVEL 2
Patrick's Hill Rally
Much like Formula 1 but with more skill required. You need at least one more body besides yourself (preferably four so you can have
races). You can collect your vehicle from any supermarket trolley bay in the city for the attractive price of a quid (which is returned
to you on return of the trolley). Most proper trolley races take place in the Pana-Grand Parade-South Mall-Parnell Place-Merchants
Quay loop. The start line used to be on Merchant's Quay so the 96FM clock could be used as the official timer but has now been shifted to the
Pound City window, where a watch on display is agreed on by the teams as the official race-clock. There are three main practice zones
along which to burn rubber. I recommend Maylor Street's tarmacadam surface for sprints, Tescos
Multi Storey Car Park (it's 24 hour) for ramp practice and down Patrick's Hill for sheer comedy-velocity. Don't worry about stopping
because you can keep going on down Bridge St., over Paddys Bridge and on down Pana itself. Many trolleys lose a wheel by the Maylor St.
junction so serious contenders should consider doubling their outlay and keeping a spare trolley in reserve.
DANGER LEVEL 3
Train Tunnel Sprint
Go down to the Train Station any weeknight at about 9 o'clock. When the next train arrives (it should be the 21.10 arrival from Limerick
Junction), walk towards the last carriage as if you're expecting to see somebody emerge. When nobody (except your buddies, obviously) is looking, jump down onto the track and start legging up towards the
dark hole. When you get to it keep running until you come to a green signal light about half a mile in. We've
cut a hole in the tunnel wall big enough to fit ONE man. Climb in and wait there, placing your fingers in your ears. Things will get very
loud and unpleasant for a few seconds while the 21.20 departure to Mallow passes the 21.25 arrival from Dublin, mere inches from your
headpiece. Avoiding contact with the hot rails, start legging it again until you come out at the Ballyvolane end by the
Glen Boxing Club. You can then get the number 5 back into town (or indeed sample the Blackpool Scene by going for a quick pint in
Liam Daly's). Having done a good job you should be back in town before 22.00, where you will be envied by the boys and lusted after by the ol dolls.
(Please note that I cant guarantee the exact running times of trains.)
DANGER LEVEL 4
Climbing up the County Hall
It might be the tallest building in Cork City but it's the exact same as climbing up trees when you were small in Fitzgearld's Park.
After getting a good lang-up to the first floor off one of your boys, the only difference is that the branches are made of concrete, the trunk is made of glass and it's
several times taller. Bring a jacket cos it's a bit nippy up there. From the top you can see as far east as Cobh. If Beat On The Street is
on in the Lee Fields you can go over to it after you come down... or watch it from on high with a Walkman playing your own favourite tune
(click on the link to the right to download the MP3 now). Of course you can also glug down on your favourite 2FM DJ's nut. Another thing you
should do is to bring up a huge banner with you with "I HAD YOUR MAM" on it and hang it from the top of the 16th floor, covering the entire top third
of the building on one side (or both for the particulary ambitious). Loads of cars will start to crash on the road below becuase their drivers will be looking up at your banner (and getting really pissed off!)
instead of watching the road ahead!
DANGER LEVEL 5
Cook Street Martial Arts Ensemble
Previously known as the Burgerland Brigade, this is not for the faint-hearted yellow-belly. A program of lessons at the Fountain in grapples and holds is a definite pre-requisite. Then
progress to more lethal moves like the Lotabeg-Langer-Lasher and the Pat-Grace-Chicken-Drop. You are now ready to
venture towards the inner side-streets of Oliver Plunkett St. The first thing to do is to go get yourself some ammunition. This can be
found at one of the several ammo outlets on Cook Street. i can recommend "Jo-Jos" from Pat Grace's: made
from a synthetic potato-like substance, rounded and very hot on the skin when lashed at someone's head from close range. This is a typical manouevre with which
to begin sparring. The number of competitors is never fixed but if you're lucky there'll be a least twenty to thirty bodies willing to join in the melée.
Oh and it's not just feens, the beors "gets all emotional" and join the bout too, nails coming at ya like Edward Scissor-Hands.
copy right peoplesrepublicofcork.com. 2001
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