NOW THATS FUNNY!
Join us for some of the latest laughs readers have sent us.
HERE'S A FEW I KNOW YOU'LL ALL LIKE......
WHAT IS THAT IN MY TIN OF BEANS Mr.GROCER?
This is absolutely true. We emigrated to Canada in 1988 from York. I had taken up an offer with a pharmaceutical company in Ottawa with a contract for three years as a lab technician. We arrived in Canada and were soon quickly settled in. Many things were not the same however, especially in the way of food. Bacon, sausages, pies, even the bread were different, but it wasn’t until we bought our first tin of baked beans that it became obvious how different certain things are in Canada. We opened our first tin, saw the beans were dark brown and mushy, and in among them was a great big lump of fat, about one inch square in size. We all went ‘yuck, what’s that.’ Next day we took the offending lump of fat and the tin of beans back to the supermarket where we had bought them and queued up to voice our complaint at the customer service desk. We showed the girl behind the counter the fat, holding it out to her in a small plastic container as if it was something vile, and she looked at us, at the fat, and said, ‘you’ll find a lump of pork in all of our tins of ‘pork & beans.’ We laughed. ‘Really,’ we said with a big smile, when a man behind me said, ‘that’s what is meant by the pork in pork & beans.’ We took the offending lump of fatty pork back to our apartment and threw the ‘pork’ and the beans away. We thought, and we still do, ‘you can eat your beans your way saturated in pork fat but we’ll stick to beans the British way.’
Russ & Mary Hutchings, York, England. Now returned home.
THREE MEN IN A PUB.
An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman were sitting in a pub talking. The Englishman said: "you know it burns my arse to see so many bleedin' Indians and Bangladeshes taking over the inner cities in England. Why don't they stay in their own country." The Irishman replied: "I knows what ya mean. I hate to see the streets packed with all those bleedin' immigrants taking up all the jobs me and my mates used to get." The Scotsman joined in: "Och aye, it's no bloody good to have so many bleedin' foreigners coming into ya country." "I'll drink to that." the other two said. They finished their beers, went outside into the fresh night air, took a few deep breaths, and all agreed it was the best thing they ever did when they all emigrated to Australia.
ON DEATH'S DOOR.
A very old man lay dying in his bed. He was at death's door, when he suddenly smelt the aroma of his favourite chocolate biscuits wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands.
With laboured breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony he would have thought himself already in Heaven the smells being so divine. There, spread out upon the kitchen table in neat little rows on wax paper were literally hundreds of his favourite chocolate biscuits. Was he in Heaven already he thought? Or was it one final act of unwavering love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world, a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort he threw himself toward the table. The aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a biscuit near the edge of the table, when his hand was suddenly smacked hard with a spatula by his wife. "Leave them alone Harold," she said, "they're for the funeral."
A CANADIAN JOKE - THE MOOSE HUNTERS!
Two hunters are out in the woods near a big soggy bog hunting moose, when one of them clutches his chest and falls to the ground. His pal bends over him and asks, 'Wassup?' 'Quick, I think I'm dieing. Get help.' His friend pulls out his cell phone (mobile) and calls 911 (999). A voice asks the caller for his name, the name of his friend, where they are, and what service he wants. 'I think my friend just died,' he said as he shook his pals body by giving it a few gentle kicks with his deep-woods hiking boots. 'Alright then,' says the calming voice on the cell phone, 'don't panic, but would you please make sure that your friend is indeed well and truly dead.' The man goes over to his pals body, takes aim with his moose rifle, and puts a bullet through his friends head. He then tells the person on the cell phone, 'Yep, he's well and truly dead. Now what?'
GRANDPA'S NEW HOME
A cockney family living in South Hackney were trying to find a temporary local nursing home to put their aging grandfather in until they could get him into the very exclusive Bow Nursing Home. On the advice of a good Jewish friend they decided to put him into the local Jewish East London Nursing Home for a short while. After a few weeks in the Jewish facility, they went to visit old grandpa. "How do you like it here?" asks the grandson. "It's wonderful. Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," says grandpa.
"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this might be the wrong place for you, even for a short while." Grandpa replies, "Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents here," grandpa says with a big smile. "There's a musician here -- he's 85-years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years, and everyone still calls him 'Maestro. And there's a doctor here -- 90 years old. He hasn't been practicing medicine for 25 years, and everyone still calls him 'Doctor'! "And you grandpa, seeing as you used to be a porter at Billingsgate Fish Market up until 20 years ago, what do they call you?' "Funny you should ask, but they've taken to calling me 'Yon Kipper' - and I'm not sure why."
GOING SHOPPING.
A man walks into a chemist shop and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. The sales girl is confused. "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?" He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday I sent my wife to the store to buy me some cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some Rizla rolling papers, because she said, " it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper." "So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she."
WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the tea each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait so long to get our tea." The husband replies, "You are in charge of cooking and you should do it, because that is your job, and I'm really busy once I get up." His wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides it is in the Bible that the man should brew the tea." The husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." She then gets the bible, and opens it at the New Testament and shows him that at the top of several pages it say:........"HEBREWS"
THE SILENT TREATMENT
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the good old silent treatment. Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM (he has trouble getting up) for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, and capitulate, he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 8:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wokem him up, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
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