Joke of the Month
Every month we get lots of jokes sent to us. If we publish yours we will send you a $25 money order (Cdn equivalent) Scroll down for the previous month's jokes.
APRIL - 'AN IRISH FOLK TALE.'
Brigid O'Flannagan went to see her doctor. 'Look doctor I'm only 45 and already me love life has dried up completely. It's me husband Sean. He has no interest in me anymore.'
'Has he tried Viagra?' 'Oh dear no,' she replied, 'I couldn't even get him to take an aspirin.'
'No problem,' replied the doctor, 'just drop one of these Viagra tablets in his coffee and let me know what happens.'
Brigid did exactly as the doctor ordered, and called him the following day. "Oh faith and begorrah doctor. It was terrible, just terrible.' 'What happened,' the concerned doctor asked. 'Well I dropped a Viagra into his coffee, and in minutes he was standing up, his pants showing a most embarrassing bulge, and before I knew what was happening he had me spread-eagled on the table and was making the most incredible passionate love to me.'
'What's so terrible about that?' asked the doctor.' 'We were in Starbucks at the time,' replied Brigid.
February's JOTM - 'The Farnborough Air Show.'
Fred & Ethel went to the Farnborough Air Show every year without fail, and every year Fred would say he wanted to go for a ride in the helicopter. Ethel always replied they couldn't afford it. Back in the 1960's a ride in the helicopter cost 15/- (15 shillings) each.
As they grew older Fred & Ethel never failed to attend the Air Show and Fred still longed to go in the helicopter for a ride. Now, in 2004 the ride cost £25 each, and Ethel still said they couldn't afford it. As Fred looked longingly at the helicopter with Ethel still saying they couldn't afford it, the helicopter pilot overheard their conversation and offered to help. "Every year I hear you both go on and on about the same old story about you can't afford the ride. Tell you what I'll do. If you can both ride in my helicopter without saying a word, I'll give you the ride free. But one word and you'll pay me the £50 when we land." A deal said Fred with Ethel giving a frown but liking the whole idea of it being free - if they both keep quiet.
Fred got in the helicopter with the excitement of a five year old boy. Ethel grumbled and climbed up behind the pilot and sat next to Fred. Soon they were in the air with the pilot purposely doing steep dives and daredevil stuff just to scare them and make them make a sound. Not a word. Not a squeak. As they landed the pilot called back to them saying, "Okay you win. The rides on me. But how did you keep quiet through all that?" Fred replied, "I was going to say something when Ethel fell out - but £50 is £50."
FEBRUARY- Joke Of The Month.
Can a Canadian connect in America.
Connor, a new check-out boy at the Piggly Wiggly Supermarket in the town of Plucketteville, Ohio, called across to the store manager and loudly remarked, "some jerk over there wants half a head of lettuce. Shall I tell him what he can do with the other half?" As he said that the man who wanted the half lettuce came up behind him and was about to make a comment when the new check-out boy said, "and this gentleman here has kindly agreed to buy the other half." The manager was impressed with the boys quick face-saving response, and approved the deal. "You're a smart young man, where'd you hail from?" "I'm from Canada sir." The store manager then asked, "why did you leave there to come here?" The boy smiled cockily, and replied, "There's nothin' but whores and hockey players up there." "Really", replied the manager, 'my wife is from Canada." "No shit" replied the boy, "what team did she play for?"
SEPTEMBER: "A YOBBO IN PARIS."
A British yob flew into Paris Orly airport with a gang of his mates to support the England football team who were to play France. None of the yobs could speak or understand French. One of them, a bald headed, grunting, thick set, bandy-legged yob named Kevin, needed a pee. 'Oy 'Arry, where the bleedin' hell do you fink the bleedin' karsy is.' 'Dunno my boy' replied a likewise, lookalike, mate. A small, short, pinchy-faced French man overheard the yobs, and grinned. He decided to have a bit of fun with them.
'Zee toilet, it is over here, my good English friend,' the little Frenchman said in broken English. With that Kevin, now walking cross-legged instead of bandy-legged, ran unknowingly into the women's toilet, which pleased the little Frenchman no end. But inside Kevin found no stand up urinals. He thought maybe all Frenchmen sat down to pee, and as he was now busting for a pee he went into a booth, sat on the toilet, and relieved himself. 'Ah Gawd, that's better,' he exclaimed.
On the wall by the toilet were three buttons, marked 1, 2, and 3. Underneath these three buttons was a much bigger red one, with a question mark on it. Kevin could not resist these buttons, so he pressed number 1. As he did so the toilet quietly flushed, and warm water was gently sprayed onto his genitals. 'Oh luvly' he exclaimed. Still sitting on the toilet he pressed number 2. This time warm air blew gently onto his genitals, and dried everything. 'Oh my gawd, that is bleedin' nice' he mumbled. He pressed number 3 button, and to his further delight a large powder puff caressed his genitals, and a fragrant perfume filled the air. 'Oh that is so very very nice' he sighed, as he shivered in delight. All that was left now was the big red button, with the question mark on it. Around the button was some bold French words, but Kevin couldn't read French. So he pressed the red button. Suddenly he felt excruciating pain - and passed out.
Kevin regained conciousness in the hospital. A nurse who could speak a little English explained to poor Kevin exactly what had happened. 'Zee button you pressed is for zee removal of zee tampon, and zee replacement of anuzzer one. Zee machine removed your- how you say - dicky, and it was flushed down zee toilet. But we cannot find where zee machine put zee fresh tampon. We shall do more surgery later.'
AUGUST. "THE WAILING WALL."
A reporter from CNN News goes to Israel to cover the fighting. She is looking for something emotional and positive, and of human interest. Something like that guy in Sarajevo who risked his life to play the cello everyday in the town square. In Jerusalem, she heard about an old Jew who had been going to the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for about 50 years. So she went to check it out. She goes to the Wailing Wall and there he is! She watches him pray, and after about 45 minutes, when he turns to leave, she approaches him for an interview. "Mary Jane O'Connor, CNN News. Sir, how long have you been coming to the Wailing Wall and praying?" "For about 50 years." he replied. "What do you pray for?" "For peace between the Jews and the Arabs. For all the hatred to stop. For all of our children to grow up in harmony and friendship." "How do you feel, after doing this for 50 years?" she asked. "Like I'm talking to a brick wall."
JULY."THE NEW PRIEST."
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, " When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm, as he sipped and sipped! Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp it.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Big Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the crap out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10) We do not refer to the Holy cross as the "Big T."
11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take this and eat it, for it is my body." He did not say " Pass the jelly" .
12) The Virgin Mary is not called " Mary with the Cherry."
13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah, God."
14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at ST.Peter's, not, a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
15) 'Amazing Grace' refers to the well known hymn, not, to the local hooker.
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