IRA ROBBED NORTHERN BANK SAY POLICE SO BANK NOW CHANGE THE COLOUR OF THEIR MONEY.
The recent bank robbery in Belfast where £26.5 million was taken from the Australian owned Northern Bank has been put down to the Provisional IRA. Inquiries by the Northern Irelend police reveal that eye-witness accounts from staff that were kidnapped and held in their own homes whilst the bank was robbed, identify several known IRA members. Fingerprints have been recovered that match two known members of the IRA, and a vehicle used in the robbery was actually registered to a known IRA member! No arrests have been made as it is feared they have all crossed into Ireland with the money. The stolen cash is now actually useless. The Northern Bank have recalled all their current notes (the same as were stolen) and are replacing those handed in at the bank with new ones of a different colour. Gerry Adams and McGuinness are saying it was nothing to do with the IRA, which led to riots from the local catholic supporters of the IRA. Paisley was seen to grin and shake his head!

A SELECTION OF SOME REALLY QUOTABLE QUOTES FROM 2004.
Brigette Bardot aged 70, when asked what was the best day of her life, replied, ‘It was a night.’
Builders working in Windsor Castle ask an old lady for directions.  It was The Queen.
Andy Fordham, the 30 stone darts champion. I must keep up my suntan, after all I’m an athlete.
Kevin Spacey the actor caught wandering by police in a London park at 4 am in the morning. My doggie had to go. (He had no dog)
Fabrizio Quarttrochi defiantly calls out as Iraqi captors cut his throat (on tape). Now you will see how an Italian dies.
Brigadier Alex Birtwistle commenting on the fake photos of British soldiers ill-treating Iraqi prisoners. A lie gets around the world before truth gets its boots on.
Note on dressing room door of the Arsenal changing room at Manchester City. No soup or pizzas beyond this point.
Anne Widdecombe, aging Tory MP now with dyed blonde hair. People talk to me more slowly now.
Nelson Mandela on his retirement.  Don’t call me, I’ll call you.
Joan Rivers when asked what else she wants from life. World peace and a diet pill that works.
Mrs. Maureen Smith the mother of a 14 year old daughter who had just had an abortion without her being told. When my daughter had an appendix operation I had to sign two forms, yet no one thought it necessary to tell me about her abortion.

BRITAIN GETS 513,000 NEW BRITS WHILST 191,000 USED ONES EMIGRATE!
USED BRITS: A total number of 191,000 Britons left Britain in 2003 to live abroad. The vast majority were retired Brits going to Europe, and a large number to South Africa, where retirement properties can be bought for a lot less than in the UK, and their UK pensions can go a lot further. This figure does not of course include close to the 200,000 Brits who left in 2003 to work abroad. The figure of exiting Brit emigrants is the highest in years, and is put down to several reasons. The most quoted reason by exiting, working family Brits is, that immigration into Britain by non-whites was the leading factor, which leads to urban crowding they say, plus work loss, and overcrowded inner-city schools. The places of choice that most of these exiting retired Brits are heading for is Spain and Portugal, then France, Cyprus, Malta, and Italy. Of the 'old Empire' countries Australia still sees more working family Brits arriving downunder each year (7,473 individuals in 2003 - 6,663 in 2002)), just ahead of the US (3,291), New Zealand (1,331), then Canada (1,203), and lastly South Africa (764) - not, including retired Brits.
NEW BRITS: Immigration into Britain totalled 513,000 in 2003, which includes all forms of immigrants from refugees to asylum seekers. These immigrants are in the main non-white and are all from so-called poorer countries. Britain now has resident 18% non-white immigrants, including families in the UK of non-whites. Of a total UK population of 60 million this represents 10.8 million, which are mostly (92%) settled into the larger inner-city areas. This UK ratio of non-white immigrant to white resident is still much smaller than other countries, such as New Zealand 19% non-white, Canada 24%, Australia 26%, US 38%, and South Africa where 90% of the population are non-white. Source: Migrationwatch UK.

BRITAIN GOES TOTALLY LAS VEGAS.
Long before the Mafia in America decided to build one gigantic ‘betting shop’ in Las Vegas, with a certain ‘Bugsy’ Segal leading the way, Britain was already the most prolific betting nation in the world. We had the then best lottery (Littlewoods Pools etc - a kind of US style 'numbers racket'!) followed by thousands of Betting Shops, none of which we can safely say, were ever owned, run, or threatened by any Mafia.  Now Britain can go the final step. A new law is about to be passed that will give the okay for hundreds more casinos, that can advertise, and can now stay open 24 hours a day. They can have upto 1,250 slot machines (the biggest moneymakers for operators, in spite of what the big signs say in Vegas - '90% returned' - pull the other one - no pun implied) with immediate access, and no 24 hour 'membership' waiting period as before. The only places slot machines are not allowed is, wait for this... in minicab offices, fast food outlets, and hospitals! Oh damn!

THE SCOTTISH REGIMENTS ARE TO UNITE INTO ONE BIG REGIMENT.
The announcement that all the Scottish regiments are to amalgamate into one 'super' regiment is sending shock waves through Scotland. The Royal Scots, Kings Own Scottish Borderers, Black Watch, Argyl & Sutherland Highlanders, Royal Highland Fuseliers, and The Highlanders, will all unite into one 'super' regiment called, 'The Royal Scottish Regiment' within five years. All will keep insignia & colours but one uniform, yet to be decided, will suit all. They will remain stationed in two of the main depots, with the other depots closing. One reason is the fading need in the world for major powers to have 'old style' troops. All military forces in the future will be in the UN type of roll.

BRITAIN IS BOOMING WITH TOURISTS.
Britain, with the west country and London in particular, is booming with tourists. Hotel bookings are up 10% over last year, with a vacancy rate that fluctuates between 4% and 0%. Most tourists this summer are from Europe, with Germany and France in the forefront, followed by the Dutch, Japanese, Americans, and a surprisingly large number of exPats from Australia & New Zealand.. A spokesman for the London Tourist Board said that whilst Britain, with London in particular, represents the more ‘expensive’ holiday destination, it draws of course those that come from similar high cost-of-living countries, but isn’t as attractive to tourists from the lower income cost-of-living countries such as Canada, Australia, most of South America, and India. Tourists are flocking to Britain’s many ‘Theme Parks’, such as 'The Eden Project,' the biggest tropical greenhouse complex in the world, as well as visiting the scores of world renown cities such as Liverpool, Manchester, Edinburgh, Glasgow, Brighton, Dover, and Torquay. Ferries to and from Belfast, Dublin, and across the channel to France, as well as to Jersey and the Isle of Man, are fully booked days in advance. The Channel Tunnel train (out of action for several weeks recently) is a great favourite to go to and from Paris. Ryan Air, the Irish low-cost airline has great deals to all major European resorts, and bookings from London have increased 18% over last year. Country hotel retreats and cottage rentals are seeing a huge increase, which, the London Tourist Board spokesman says is a lot to do with the improved weather conditions this summer, and a realization that Britain is not the rain capitol of the world! London Heathrow remains the busiest airport terminal in Europe, and compares to Chicago's O'Hare, for worlds busiest, with London now being claimed as the financial centre of the world.  (August 2004)

MILLIONAIRE AMERICAN CAN'T GET ENOUGH GOOD ENGLISH CURRY.
Getting Americans (and most Canadians) to eat a good curry is like asking them to take poison. Remember when B. J. Clinton & Hilary visited Tony Blair, and Tony organised a curry banquet - well the Clintons went pale and declined profusely! Anyway, there is an American, who wants to remain anonymous - which I can understand, because if they hear about him back home in the US he may be extradited - who flew 60 friends over from New York, just to be at a curry banquet he gave at one of the worlds top Indian restaurants, the Tamarind in London. The total bill, for the in all 90 guests (included 30 Brit friends) came to £45,000! The owner & chef of the Tamarind, Rajesh Suri, said the American millionaire is a guest there two to three times a month! Will wonders never cease! Pass the chutney!!

UK SECONDARY SCHOOLS TO BECOME INDEPENDENT & UNIFORMED.
Under a new Five Year Plan the Labour government is to introduce sweeping changes in the secondary education in Britain. All secondary schools will become independent, have collective responsibility, adopt uniforms & house systems, specialise in one particular subject (along with the basic academics), be allowed to expand, and have a controlling interest in a three year rotating budget. The changes are aimed at restoring 'pride' in school participation, increase learning, and make them more community minded. Schools that fail to keep pace and show enthusiastic involvement will be closed.

OPINION POLLS IN THE UK, US, AND CANADA UNDER FIRE.
Thirty-eight MP's in Britain have got behind a motion querying the 'integrity, honesty, and professionalism' of opinion polls. Pollsters should be regulated they say. With the vast majority of the public involved in hectic day to day living (work, children, school, etc) little time is giving to elections or opinions of any sort. A recent poll that came up with a declaration that 'seven out of ten teenagers still at school smoked' was based on one school where 230 teenagers were interviewed! And over half of those who said they smoked, actually did not, saying they did was merely a way to impress their school friends! Polls in the US and in Canada have come under scrutiny of late, considering both country's are to elect new governments this year. In Canada one poll on 'who's voting what' canvassed only 1,100 people in a staunchly liberal area then determined the 'country' would re-elect a liberal government. I wonder whose side they're on! In the US, where George Bush is coming under more pressure every month, a recent poll (I love the way these US polls state: 'correct in only one out of every four times in nine' - whatever that means!) states Bush is headed for a tight but successful re-election. They won't reveal how they determined that, other than saying they might be wrong 'once in four out of every nine times.' In a country where only a third of the population ever bother to vote, I don't think it matters much.  (The recent election in Canada on June 28th 2004 goes to prove just how unreliable these Opinion Polls are. The big three highly-fee'd and highly touted polls all agreed the Tories would take between 47% to 51% of the people's votes. Canada voted Tory 31%. A Tory government was on the polls, but the Liberals got in for the fourth straight time. So much for polls.)

WHATS IN A NAME? YOU'LL BE VERY SURPRISED SAY UK RESEARCHERS.
What's in a name? An awful lot if you ask the researchers in the UK who recently came up with a list of childrens names that will help teachers deal a lot better with their pupils, by simply knowing what is behind the names given to todays often unruly and hyper children. The name says it all, they say! For instance, any child named Kyle or Kylie is often a right pain in the neck! Names, the researchers say, are extentions of the parents ego and reflect the mood, mind, and temperament of the parents that is then passed on to their children. Stand by, you might have a kid with one of the following names! As they said, watch out for the Kyles and Kylies, also those with 'fancy spelling' of their names like, Teena (Tina), Tami (Tammy) and Jimy (Jimmy). Next are the 'trendy' with-it, hot names such as, Aidan, Connor, Madison, Morgany, and Angel, all, they say are likely very hyper-active kids, very demanding, and classroom disturbers! If kids come with names like Cheyenne, Destiny, Wildflower, Passion, Echo, Amber, Tiffany, Willow, Modesty and Treasure - look out, they say, these kids are poor learners, self lovers, and very inattentive. Are there any good names? The researchers say yes. Kids with names like Elizabeth, Penelope, Megan, Emma, and Linda are usually well-behaved, as are Toms, Petes, Davids, Bills, and Freds! Good old fashioned names like Gladys, Mary, Ann, Winifred, George, Herbert, and Horace usually indicate solid, reliable kids with good work skills. Now you know!

UK UNEMPLOYMENT LOWEST IN EUROPE - PERCENTAGE & HEAD COUNT.
Unemployment figures in the UK (March 2004) are the lowest in Europe and in just about every western-world country. Percentage-wise it is 4.8% compared to the average 7% to 8% in other European countries. Compared to Canada, US and Australia, it is again percentage-wise and head count much lower. On head count Britain has 1.4 million unemployed (April 2004) from a 60 million population, whereas Canada has 1.5 million unemployed from a 30 million population, and Australia has 1.2 million unemployed from a population of 18 million. The US rival South Africa in unemployed head count (and over 5% if you go by the US percentages) being over 8 million unemployed (from a 270 million population) which increases monthly as more US jobs get shipped to third world countries. (May 2004)

THE 'PLAYSTATION GENERATION' - ARE THEY AS DOPEY AS THEY LOOK?
The ‘new society’ of young adults dressing up to look like young childlike urchins has prompted researchers in Britain to come up with an ‘identikit of trust’ whereby employers can get beyond the hacked hairdos, the long hand-hiding sleeves, and the big bulky boots & trainers (runners) and seek out the real individual and find out if they’re suitable for a responsible job, or, they really are as dopey as they look. With the looks and attitudes as portrayed by the new ‘playstation generation’ there’s a danger some good people could be lost in the ‘look I’m walking funny’ shuffle. The ‘identikit’ suggests that women should attend interviews in suits (not pantsuits or jeans), without spiked hair, no nose rings, with those hand-hiding sweater sleeves a definite no-no!. For men a regional accent is now okay, slim build, white shirt, and real shoes!  Oh yes, 'bouncy ball' word pronunciation is in - 'did-Dent,' (didn't) 'could-Dent, (couldn't) and 'gar-Den' etc etc. (now let's sing this all together, ready, one two three: "I did-dent promise you a rose gar-den")

NO-SHOW AT SCHOOL WILL COST PARENTS £100 TRUANCY FINE.
As part of the new Anti-Social Behaviour Act parents of children who fail to attend school on a regular basis will be levied a £100 fine. The fine can be administered by the police, education officers, or school headmasters. Although truancy rates in the U.K. are nowhere as near as high as they are in Canada or the U.S., where they reach 20% in some areas, the new laws to combat no-shows at school are more a deterrent than an expectation of taking in vast amounts of money. 'One fine should do it' says a leading education critic.