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The Nurse's Office
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Just for Laughs
TWO FAVORITE LIMERICKS
There was a young lady named Rood,
Who was such a absolute prude
That she pulled down the blind
When changing her mind,
Lest a curious eye should intrude.
***
A nudist, one quite indiscreet,
Loved to dance right out in the street.
But one frigid December
He froze every member,
And crept away to a lonely retreat.
***
PRINT MEDIA
The Wall Street Journal is read by people who run the country.
The New York Times is read by people who think they run the country.
The Washington Post is read by people who think they ought to run the country.
USA Today is read by people who thing they ought to run the country but don't understand the Washington Post.
The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they could spare the time.
The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country.
The Minneapolis Star Tribune is read by people who think Jesse (Ventura) ought to be running the country.
The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country.
The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country, as long as they do something scandalous.
The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a country, or that anyone is running it.
The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country.
***
I once went to the museum where they have all the heads and arms of all the statues that are in all the other museums.
Steven Wright
***
19 THINGS IT TOOK ME 30 YEARS TO LEARN
1. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, the word would be "meetings."
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, he will NOT use, as his messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
6. You should not confuse your career with your life.
7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who percieves a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
9. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
10. Never lick a steak knife.
11. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
12. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
13. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
14. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at the moment.
15. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.
16. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above average drivers.
17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.
18. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
19. Your friends love you anyway.
~With thanks to my friend Drew~
***
APHORISMS FOR OUR TIMES
The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
Vital papers will demostrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.
If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book. {Corollary: If you are given a take-home test, you will forget where you live.}
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
Paul's law: You can't fall off the floor.
Paranoids are people too; they have their own problems. It's easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too.
A conclusion is the place where you get tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For ever action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
A clear conscience is usually a sign of a bad memory.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
{Mae West, alt.}
Change is inevitable .... except from vending machines.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
*****
FOR YOUR FURTHER JOLLIFICATION
Joke of the Day and more
The Joke Vault - worth many return visits
The Not-to-be-missed Hampster Dance
Your Lightbulb Joke Treasure Chest
Deep Thoughts
The World Famous and Much Beloved Armadillo Dance
How can he be so white and so funky
The End of Everything
Laughter, cards to send, lots of other fun stuff
Giggles by the truckload
Things you didn't know you didn't know
The funniest newspaper in the world
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